Why Getting Lucky On A First Date Isn’t A Good Thing
RE Blogged from askmen.com
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It’s a question on many
men’s minds as they sit in a candlelit restaurant on a first date: Will I get laid
tonight? Or will she make me wait? Of course, plenty of men are
thinking about more important issues, like whether their date might be good wife material,
but suffice it to say, men like sex, so wondering about the probability of a post-dessert
romp is natural. Well, the news is good and bad. Mark Regnerus, associate
professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Premarital
Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying (Oxford,
2011), knows firsthand. His research project, which includes a wealth of survey data on
sexuality, found that a whopping 20% of young American men have sex
on a first date. Yup, that’s one in five. But before you give a
bunch of high fives to your brothers with “A” games or mourn over your
inferior track record, here’s the other news. According to Regnerus,
“Statistically, the 20% are less well-educated, consider themselves a bit more
attractive and are slightly more depressed than the average 18-23-year-old in the
study.” Translated, that means that less intelligent, slightly arrogant
and mentally stressed young men tend to go for a short-term fix rather than a longer-term
reward. And for those hoping that sex on date No. 1 could be a stepping stone to a
girlfriend, there’s more bad news. Renowned evolutionary psychology professor David
Buss at the University of Texas at Austin and Martie G. Haselton at the University of
California, Los Angeles, found that the more sexual
partners a man has had, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished
attractiveness in a woman after the first time he’s had intercourse with her. Diminished
attractiveness, as in, “I thought she was hot, but now not so much.” Clearly,
fast sex for these guys doesn’t lead to a girlfriend. If the guy is a player, it
more often leads to disappointment. Then there’s the other bad news. Men
who obtain quick sex from more than one partner are setting themselves up to become future
cheaters. “Many will say, ‘when I get ready to settle
down I’m going to take things more slowly,’” says Dean Busby, Ph.D.,
whose work studying thousands of singles and couples has produced relevant and timely
data. “Unfortunately, some of our more recent research seems to suggest that the
patterns that develop in young adulthood, and their relational consequences, can’t
just be turned off or avoided once a person decides it is time to marry. Every
relationship we have, however brief and insignificant, influences every other relationship
we have, and the patterns that we repeat across relationships become very difficult to
change.” But still, the myth persists that men must audition a woman to
ensure sexual chemistry before deciding if she is commitment material. If this myth were
true, it would stand to reason that couples who do not test out sexual chemistry before
commitment should have shorter, more unhappy relationships. But Dr. Busby and his
colleagues at Brigham Young University were unable to make this connection in a study of
more than 2,000 couples. People with good sexual chemistry early on did not stay together
longer. He explained his results to me this way: “The mechanics of good sex are not
particularly difficult or beyond the reach of most couples, but the emotions, the
vulnerability, the meaning of sex and whether it brings couples closer together are much
more complicated to figure out.” So are the lucky 20% really so
lucky? Dr. Wendy Walsh is the author of the upcoming The 30 DAY LOVE
DETOX (Rodale, February 2013)