Why Picking Up Girls Isn’t A Science
RE Blogged from askmen.com
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It’s A Man’s World” is a column on anything and everything related to the modern man,
by Ian Lang. If there are any topics you’d like to see addressed here, send
them to us at editorial@askmen.com, or
let us know in the comments section.Who doesn’t
want to do better with the ladies? Even if you’re in a steady relationship (or even
married), it’s nice to know you’ve still “got it” when it comes to
the fairer sex. Sadly, nature (being the mother of all cock blocks) makes it difficult for
us by making women harder to figure out than the Riemann hypothesis. This is good for
women because it makes it such that only the most capable of suitors find themselves
getting the ladies’ attention (a damning example of the 80/20 rule if I ever saw
one).
Does this secret weapon even work?
Fortunately for men, all is not lost. Our secret weapon in the battle of the sexes is
known as the dating coach, a “professional” who, ostensibly, has the know-how
and skill necessary to transform Stan Marsh into Steve McQueen. Indeed, many companies and
individuals advertise guaranteed results, though I’m not sure how they define a
result. Thousands of men spend tens of thousands of dollars every year on books, seminars
and boot camps hoping to improve their chances of consensual coitus.There is
such a thing as a good dating coach (I’m
by and large a fan of David Wygant’s writing, here on AskMen and elsewhere, and there
are a handful of other good dating gurus whose writing appears on this site), but most of
these coaches are good at teaching men overall life skills and applying them specifically
in a romantic setting. Because, really, that’s more or less what dating success
boils down to — social skills. Men who are able to read into social cues and respond
accordingly are simply going to be more successful in any situation (including dating)
than men who are not, regardless of looks, status, etc. But instead of
just teaching broad, common-sense concepts that would neither fill many pages nor be
considered revolutionary to many readers, many dating gurus develop theories and
strategies that promise to unlock the secrets of exactly what you need to say and do in
order to score that hot half-Asian/half-Colombian girl beckoning you from across the bar
(I know most guys like blondes, but it’s my column, so we’re using my
fantasy).
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Practice does not always make perfect
To demonstrate my problem with this, I’m reminded of a fraternity brother of mine.
He purchased some dating books and would often “try out” some of the lines on
his female roommate. I give him a lot of credit for at least practicing, but,
unsurprisingly, his roommate’s typical response was, “No, that probably
wouldn’t work.” Similarly, I recall being in a bar in Stamford, CT, sitting
next to two women who were maybe in their 30s. A guy my age approached and proceeded to
spit out entire routines of canned pickup material. Despite making no headway whatsoever,
he plowed ahead with all the finesse of a torch juggler, finally asking for and being
denied phone numbers.Both anecdotes represent the fundamental problem with any
dating manual: There’s no such thing as a universally perfect pickup line. My
reasonably good-looking and successful fraternity brother’s lines fell flat for the
same reason those of the nerdy kid did. It doesn’t matter how brilliant something is
on paper or coming from someone else’s mouth, because if it’s not something
that you would naturally say, women are going to know it. A chubby, awkward guy trying to
demonstrate status by telling a girl his ex was a model will come across as less
believable than a bunch of politicians playing an honest game of poker. For as much as
dating books highlight women’s heightened ability to pick up on social cues, much of
their advice centers on boldly ignoring that and misrepresenting yourself in one way or
another.Every single poll of women says the same thing: The number one thing
they look for in a man is confidence. I don’t doubt this, but most men misunderstand
or misconstrue what confidence really is. Going out of your way to demonstrate your value
as a suitor is the opposite of confidence. All the money, all the status in the world is
rendered moot when you have to flaunt it for attention.
Confidence is the starting place
Confidence
is a result, not a cause. A lack of confidence isn’t necessarily the result of
failure, but rather the failure to meet expectations. If you’re unemployed but feel
like you should be working on Wall Street, then you’re not going to feel very
comfortable in your own skin. But if you’re unemployed but have a realistic view of
what you can do to get back on your feet, you’ll have a lot less anxiety. Women
recognize that. Musicians get laid for two reasons: 1) They can play music, and 2) Most of
them genuinely believe that the sky’s the limit in terms of their success. That kind
of steadfast optimism and self-assuredness is intoxicating.If you find
yourself failing with women, maybe the problem is less about the man you are and more
about how comfortable you are being that man. Don’t look for pickup lines, cure-alls
or secret codes, because none of it will work if you’re not in the right place
mentally. Reevaluate your ambitions and goals, and you’ll start coming across to
others (men and women alike) as more stable, easygoing and, most importantly,
confident.If you need a dating or life coach to help you do that, fine.
Remember, if there really was a successful formula for figuring out women, whoever came up
with it would be a lot richer and a lot more famous than any pickup artist you’ve
heard of.Help make Ian Twitter famous at @TheIanLang.